Haha. Okay, i decided to follow Jesus a while ago, but for whatever reason that song is in my head.

Now for what i've recently decided and taken action on:

i've decided that i need to become a stronger me (for myself and future partner). And i mean stronger physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

To strengthen myself emotionally and mentally, the current Dom/bf situation i'm in is that we're on a break. At least a week, at most a month before we make any sort of decision.

In the meanwhile, i'm strengthening myself physically/mentally by going to classes. i joined a gym this past Tuesday. That night i went to Zumba, went to the Total Body class yesterday, and hit up a Yoga class earlier today. Tomorrow i'm going to Zumba again, and Saturday i have my first meeting with a fitness coach. i've already begun to feel better both mentally and physically. i'm excited!

Spiritially... i haven't figured out how i'm going to replenish myself in this department yet, but i'm going to keep it on my mind. i'm sure the answer will reveal itself in time (or perhaps smack me in the face).

That is all.

-a free pet-

i don't see an option for changing the blog's title. This is unfortunate. Until i figure out how, if it is possible, i will declare the name change here:

a lost pet's memos

Hmm...that looks tacky. i'm stickin' to it for now.

When punished by TM or anticipating punishment i'd feel terrible, yet have this arousing anticipation. i'd feel better afterwards. i wasn't punished much 'cause i didn't get in trouble much 'cause i was good.

With the current bf/Dom....punishment seems an annoyance to me. It's not arousing, or as arousing as i feel it should be? i don't know...

On that note, i am (temporarily?) changing the name of this blog from "A pet's memos to her future Dom" to something else. i'm not sure what. but i'll change it in a few minutes after i hit "submit" for this post...

i had a rather strange dream last night. Here's what i remember:

i was taking a bath when another girl was shoved into the bathroom with me. A voice said that i was to take care of her, so i proceeded to instruct her to bathe with me. Meanwhile, someone else came in and sat on the toilet -- but this other girl and i had the curtain closed so it was ok. She was nervous and scared about having been abducted. i reassured her that everything would be ok, and that she was lucky.

As dreams go, we were then in a room that resembled that of an economical hotel room, but it was a dorm-like environment/floor. There was a queen/full bed, dresser, large windows, and tv. It was just me for a moment and i was cleaning, preparing for her arrival. Some people from the "floor" stopped by and offered to help clean, but i dismissed them. After a little while, the girl i had bathed with came and i gave her a "tour" of the room. i told her that she would have the foot of our bed, or (as it magically appeared) a smaller day bed next to our bed.

After i explained it all, she asked me about Him and expressed anxiety/concern once more. i again reassured her that it was all ok, that i had been through it before, and that [here's the kicker] TM was a good man....

-------

So, i thought i was done with TM in the sense that, i'd finally forced thoughts of him out of my mind. Finally! But then, this odd dream kicks in....

i'm not sure what to make of it.

My Dearest Sir, oh my Dearest Master!

i can't seem to strike an image from the past when i use the word "Master" but i assure you, i am address You. i SO badly want to be with You so that i can completely devote myself to you and not be yearning for what's past (unconsciously....it seems).

Lately i've been very doubtful as to whether or not i'll EVER find you. Or if you'll ever find me. Am i doomed? Should i settle? i'm not a quitter....at least, i don't want to be. i'm sure you wouldn't want me to be.

i guess, i still need to learn to appreciate myself more.

It just seems that i have nowhere to apply myself as of late. At least, i have no interest to do so. My only true interest/desire is to make my other half happy and full of joy. To serve him to the best of my abilities. i want to live for him so that i can complete him, and he complete me. i hope that W/we may forever challenge each other to grow.

i guess, my problem is that i don't want to do things for myself. i only want to do them for You. Thus, it's really hard to motivate myself when doubting your existence. i've gained weight since being home...which is SO not cool, since i had dropped ten-fifteen pounds over the last year or so. Gaining it back is NOT cool AT ALL. And yet...that motivation i had is gone. i'm not sure what the motivation was before (it felt good?) but whatever it was it's gone. Or perhaps the motivation is there, but is clouded with this cloud of self doubt and pity.

WHoa. Self pity? Nah, it isn't that. i don't pity myself 'cause i know i can take action. i just...am feeling slothful? That's my problem. i need ot pick up my feet and find a new source of inspiration. Since i don't have You, i must inspire myself.

*sigh*

Words often don't do my thoughts justice.



-me-