Note to self:

"As a sub, you should be aware of potential conflicts or problems but not assume them. Instead, when asked to jump in a room with a low ceiling, ask how high first then ask for assistance if you'll hit your head."

Master Invictus

I think I want this too but I need to work at the part of not clinging. Although, with the right person, not clinging shouldn't be an issue.

"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling - all that I am capable of doing - but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding." -from collarme.com

Something is fucking wrong with me.

Two years of on/off tears provoked by random things after 19 years of almost no tears (with the exception of being a baby and such).

I thought it was me getting over the death of my grandmother.

Maybe it still is. All I know, is that I suddenly feel lost again...

I'm too dependent on others. I'm lost when I've no one to serve immediately, regardless how little I can offer.

Is this an excuse of sorts for me to deny what's going on? or is my need to serve greater than I know?

fucking breakdown.

But nothing is wrong.

Yet.

The following was from a random dom who stumbled across my profile on alt. I didn't read it until recently because I forgot that I set my e-mail filters there and well, this message and others ended up in a folder I didn't know existed. Anyways, his message makes me happy:

"Sorry about your heart but as in any kind of life style that is the chance we all take when we give of ourselves whether it be Dom or sub we are all acceptable to being hurt. As a submissive woman you are strong and being new you may not understand yet just how strong you are but trust me you are stronger then you think. It will take time but your heart will mend and you will heal and your life will change for the better. I hope your search goes the way you dream for it to go."

Just needed to put that up for myself.

When, or will I ever find a balance between this world and the vanilla?