i'm sitting at home, or if one may insist i call it, my parents house. Came home for the weekend 'cause they wanted to see me, and i have missed them. They've done so much for me, visiting is the very least i could do!

Anywho. The clock on the wall is loud. Ticking. Tocking.

So much has been going through my mind as of late, in terms of the future. i hate to say it, but i think i'm slipping back into apathy of sorts in terms of my hopes for a future with you.

i'm workin to get out of it, i am.

It's been difficult, as i can't quite grasp my emotions around TM and what's going on now. i want to be there for him. i need to be able to know that i'm serving him. But again, it's realizing that sometimes the only thing, and the best thing, you can do for someone, is be to be there, or be available. i guess i'm stubborn, and always think there's something more i should/could be doing. *sigh*

My obedience is currently to him. Reading this in the future it might sting a bit, if you're the jealous type. i know i'd probably get jealous hearing you talk of ex's and past subs and such. But, anywho...i'm in practice. i'm training. Learning and growing, all to become a better pet, a better person, a better wife, for you.

Y'know, this is my first and last summer as a college (undergrad) student. My internship is feeling like a really expensive vacation right now, with bonus work experience. Things will be picking up (even more) soon, so it'll feel more like slave labor i bet. Anywho...

i've been struggling a lot in the past couple of months, and these past couple of weeks in particular, with the reality of well, relationships.

i think i posted a while ago, and even if i didn't post about it i most definitely thought about it. It, being that i need time to stand on my own. It scares the crap out of me.

Anywho, that isn't new.

What is new, or perhaps a more unavoidable feeling/change coming up is that my relationship with my trainer will end. It's funny, 'cause as much as i wanted to avoid it and didn't want it and my head knew it but my heart didn't yadda yadda...well, it's like, now my heart knows it and my head is in denial. Ha!

Things have really picked up on my Trainer's end and on my end it's been a lot of transitions and adjusting and with the new time difference between us (i used to be ahead two hours, and now i'm ahead 3) keeping in touch just hasn't been at the greatest. Thus, came feelings of being neglected, etc.

Now, i know i tend to overreact to things (especially emotionally) when it comes to relationships with people (i tend to be incredibly sensitive sometimes), but my feeling of being neglected weren't invalid. Just, blown up and magnified feelings of what happens when other things in life become higher on the priority list. It's hard fo me to accept that being lower on the priority list doesn't mean that i'm lower on the list of importance/value, but that's the conclusion i came to. i actually haven't talked to TM about it yet.

i'm just, frustrated with the whole relationship right now. As i told a friend last night on the phone, i feel like i'm walking down an all too familiar path that didn't end well. i don't want to cycle. Even though this path isn't the same one, it's definitely lookin MIGHTY similar.

i don't need to fade one relationship out while starting another. i don't want to. i don't need, nor do i want, a relationship that i feel is fading without communication being there. i hated this feeling last time, and i have a sneaking suspicion that it's the same feeling that is frustrating me.

What am i to do about it?

i don't know.

It's definitely makin' me wish (again, or with more zest, or whatever) i had a sub friend who i could talk to realtime.

i just updated this blog with a few posts i've collected/written throughout the past week. Funny, how reflecting upon them makes me cringe a little bit, just... a little. Anger and frustration have a way of skewing perspective, but then again, perspective is all relative anyway.

Anywho, i just thought that i should put a bit of a happier note here...

i'm still open and receptive to whenever you'd like to make your presence known in my life, Master, and i'm working hard at that patience thing. :)

June 22nd, 8:10pm EST

i’ve definitely been in a weird mood as of late. Not quite sure what to do with myself, i guess. This week has been better in terms of socializing and getting to know the area better. Sort of hard to believe i’ve already been here a month in a week.

Life in the social area, both D/s and vanilla is not how i imagined/hoped it would go, but things in the vanilla seem to be looking up.

i’m having serious doubts again, Master, as to your existence. At the same time, i’m toying with the idea of how to be happy single and be safe and adventurous and if i’d really enjoy that life. Instinctively, and internally i know it’s not who i am. i sort of want to give it a try, just to spite myself, or others, perhaps. Hopefully, not you, Master. Oh wait, you don’t exist. And you don’t, not right now at least. Not in my world, directly. One could go on a philosophical debate about this for a while, well, i could with at least myself, but I’m going to choose to stop things here.

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…Is it an issue…that perhaps…now that i have expectations…that they’re too high?

*sigh*

June 21st, 9:03pm EST

Surprisingly, despite my sleeplessness last night i actually didn’t feel too fatigued today (not only did i not get into bed until one something and not fall asleep til 2 something, but I also woke up around 5am when it was storming and I had to use the bathroom, and then looked for something that seemed important at the time…tried to go back to sleep at 5:30, woke up at 7:30 to the alarm…). It was another busy day – as each day seems to get busier in my internship, which is good, ‘cause now i actually feel like i’m doing stuff and getting more accomplished during my day (which, i am!).

Anywho…i’m having a much better day that my last post. My thoughts are still similar but at least my head is relatively on straight right now. And, by that i mean that my emotions are momentarily under control. We’ll see how things go, i guess…