Spent weekend with K doing a more full-on BDSM experience thing. Here are some things i learned, off the top of my head:

- i'm not a fan of wax play, though i thought i would be.
- i'd be up for giving wax-play another chance
- i definitely love being bound/restrained
- i love my car
- Indiana isn't so bad after all - its saving grace is the Dunes
- there's a limit to how many/much of a spanking i get to which it just becomes dull/painful to me (and not arousing or engaging at all)
- i still love having my ass fucked
- i'm still definitely a horny cunt
- Having my cunt shaved is okay, but it definitely sucks growing back
- i love the sensation of a collar
- i hate being on my hands/knees for extended periods of time and think it's pretty pointless
- i love my car
- my car has the potential for being a mini-dungeon on wheels (and no one would suspect it because it looks so small)
- i'm still stuck on TM
- i need to move on
- i'm dangerously close to repeating old patterns that didn't get me anywhere (useful)
- i really, really, really, like my car.

That's it for now. i might add more later.

Normally, or in the past, i'd have added details of the weekend, i'm sure. i'm just not up to it, nor do i feel it's of any great significance right now, i guess. Yup.

There it is.

There it went.

Let's see how it goes...

It's true. TM just really understood me well. i'm not sure how we reached that point, but he did. More so than anyone else ever has.

i think, that's what i miss.

i think, that's also what scares me.

The idea that something "better" -might- exist out there. There must be, right? If TM and i both agreed that we weren't the right fit for each other, at least not in "time." There must be something even better for the both of us out there. It's just hard to believe that something CAN be better.

i guess, it's not necessarily better in quality, but better in how it fits. If that makes any sense.

i've been thinking a lot about it all since yesterday's conversation with K with the upcoming weekend. It's just frustrating to have all these barriers that are really more a need for me to explain and re-explain things (about myself/my feelings/reactions) all the time. Especially if just in preparation for the next step of play by his books. TM just sort of...somehow...it wasn't difficult at all with him. It all came naturally, and it wasn't chunky or forced, as this is appearing to be.

Maybe it's because K and i are attempting to be extra cautious. Maybe we just have very different style/opinions about the lifestyle. Maybe it's just because it's not meant to be but we want to give it a try and it's not working. Maybe i'm not ready to be any more involved in the lifestyle or dating right now (as much as i want to). [i just want play - but perhaps my motivation is to mask/ignore the emotions?] i'll figure it out sooner or later.

i'll be okay.

always am. and if i'm not, i will be.

The problem is, i think i should try to shoot for more than "okay."

Californication, the album by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, is my driving music for road trips. That, and the radio. i'll scan until i fund good stuff. But, if i'm really board or getting sleepy i throw in good 'ol Californication and sing the first few tracks at the top of my lungs. Sometimes, i poke fun and sing in my appropriate soprano range and octave above Anthony Keidis, it's kinda fun.

Anywho, listening to the album, i always pick up on new things. The latest discovery has been the last track, "Road Trippin'" As crazy or poor as his lyrics can sometimes be, Road Trippin' is pretty awesome. i love the chord progression and guitar part too - Flea is awesome.

But, that's not important.

The reason i brought this all up is because i drove for oh, about 12-15 hours this weekend. Friday night i drove3-4 hours home, and Sat i drove 3-4 hours to school for a seminar/presentation, drove home 3-4 hours, and then drove back here this morning. TOO much driving for a weekend. It was worth it, i guess. But, it gave me a lot to think about. Being back on campus really kinda threw me for a bit of a curveball too, but the presentation was good and the primary reaosn i went was worth it.

The primary reason for going was to get information for my internship project. This was definitely obtained.

Other reasons for going back included:
-Picking up my winter coat from home
-Visiting my parents (however briefly)
-Not having to figure out plans to hang around here
-Potentially seeing people back at school
-Shopping at my favorite mall/store back in the campus/school area

All were accomplished, with the exception of visiting everyone i wanted. Funny, the last two people on my list that i didn't expect to see but wanted to were the ONLY two people i saw, besides the folks in the same major as me who were at the presentation as well.

The two friends i did see...well, it's interesting, given my current guy (or lack there of) situation.

Remember that guy i met last year on the drunk bus, but we were sober...i'm pretty sure i blogged about him. If not, it's not all too important. Basically, i don't know him well at all, but we really click and it's great. But, i'd never want to be anything more than friends with him for various reasons. Anywho - he totally threw me for a curveball 'cause he came to visit me on my lunch break and that was the first time anyone has picked me up (like, a couple of feet) in a hug. i squealed and was so embarrassed! He got a major kick out of it. It was just weird, but nice, to see him again 'cause he brings out this flirty side of me that somehow doesn't really emerge with anyone else (at least, it hasn't to this extent). It's WEIRD, but nice to have that outlet.

The other person i saw was my old neighbor who i used to have a crush on, whom i had considered somehow offering/wanted to give him oral. He's such a character! It was really nice to see him, and i do hope i get to know him more.

*sigh*

Driving. Driving gave me plenty of time to think. ALso gave me plenty of time to have people call me back. Oi. i need to be more careful.

Master, i want to get lost in the USA right now. You've got to be out there somewhere....(though it'd SUCK if you weren't in the USA and me to be lost in it). Oh, maybe you're Australian? That accent really turns me on!)

Got back, went for a run, laundry, returned some calls...tried calling TM again ('called once last weekend, i think)...talked to K for a bit about this upcoming weekend. Realized a few important things, but not sure what to make of them.

Plan for this next weekend is to spend it with K - i thought it'd be good practice and well, an outlet for me to have a more defined weekend with him. Defined being, more serious/focus on the bdsm play. We talked about it more in depth today....

i don't know if i'm ready.

i don't even know if this is what i want. Everyone in the lifestyle is so freakin' different with their ideas of roles and such. i can't help but wonder if it's not even the lifestyle aspect at all that drew me to TM. Gah...

i'm worried that i might have to stop any bdsm related stuff with K for both our sakes - because i'm not feelin' it at all and that's what he wants -- and i don't mind his style, but i'm just not diggin' it. After our talk today, i'm kinda worried about the weekend and well, we both agreed we had all week to think more and make changes....but...

i thought/think that getting a taste of someone else's style would be good for me. broaden my horizons, learn a new way to serve, and grow, right? But the more i think about it, probably why i haven't been trying to avoid thinking about it, is that TM just keeps popping into my mind when i think about a future partner.

i'm still rather torn.

Oh, i'm kinda frustrated too. In various ways.

Is it possible, that i'm made to only be happy when others are?

i dreaded getting up this morning. What was the point? Well, i knew if i didn't get up and get to it i'd be letting people down.

The morning was okay. Nursing home groups went pretty well. They usually lighten my mood some, since they generally just light up to what i have planned if i implement it right.

It was at the hospital when my day was brightened. Saw several great patients and i just know that i brought them more than a moment of happiness and perhaps even a hint of joy. i worked hard in preparation and a lot of it paid off today.

i played Bob Marley's "Is This Love?" for an Irish man who was suprised and glad to have heard it.

i played several newer country songs and a guy just ONE year my younger going through the end stages of Muscular Dystrophy just lit up - huge smile and all. His dad even commented that his tremors had calmed since i started singing/playing for him.

Life is crazy.

Those moments of happiness, are what they were.

Happiness is fleeting.

-----

i can't get over this emptiness...

The sun is out. The sky is blue. There's a nice breeze. i'm sort of stuck inside but our windows are open and i have huge glass doors behind me.

i think it's the first time in weeks, if not months, that such weather has finally given me a sense of happiness once again. We've definitely had sunny days and weather like this semi-lately, but i just wasn't diggin' it as much as i used to, like today.

Thank you, sun.

Maybe, i'm meant to be alone...