A good friend of mine, who happens to be a Dom, recently broke things off with his girlfriend/sub of two years. It just wasn't working out and he felt it was best for the both of them in the long-run. Anywho, because of distance i haven't had time to talk too much with him about it yet, but in a short e-mail he wrote this:

"To be introspective for a moment, this is how i always saw a D/s relationship. no matter who has the "power" in the relationship, both really belong to each other in the end. any Dom who can just break things off without dying a little inside never really gave any of himself."

Those words hit me hard the first time i read them. They somehow make me feel better about my difficulty "getting over" TM. In the sense of, it's not jus tany Dom who can break things off without dying never gave himself, but it very much applies to the sub as well. i guess, this is another reminder that i need to accept and trust that TM will always cherish the part of me i've given him, and that he'll keep it alive. i don't want part of myself dying - especially if it's no longer in my hands (or vicinity!) i for one, know that i won't let what he's given me "die."

[It doesn't mean i don't have more to give to my future husband...]

More later.

Hopefully.

K really likes me. He's made that clear. i really like him. i don't know what my intentions with/for him are, nor do i ever really feel like i have intentions for people. He did ask me that the other day, in a bit of an angry call. It was the Sunday after i'd gotten back from conference. He'd had time to think and was upset. Nothing new, it was just the repeated "i want more, and am chosing to wait, but am frustrated." spiel that has popped up no and then.

Anywho, he asked me what my intentions were in the context of him/us. i had to stop and think, as i said just now, i don't ever feel like i have [conscious] intentions for people. i told him how i honestly felt - which hasn't changed from before. i told him that i really like him, but i need to get over TM and can't offer more [which is what i know what he wants] until i'm sure it's out of sincerity and not need.

A week or so ago he had asked if i needed him. i asked for clarification, but then before he could answer i asked him to disregard the question and went on to say that i do feel like i need him at the moment, but i also want him. In that sense, i also noted that i won't be able or rather, won't allow myself, to give more until i'm sure it's not a need and a want.

i asked him not to wait, but it's not what i want. He said he wouldn't actively seek out others, but he'll oblige and keep an open eye if it'll make me feel better. It does, and doesn't.

i want to see where this will go, though i'm pretty sure it won't go too much farther. i think that's what upsets him; that i'm "negative" about the outcome.

Am i?

i want to see where we can go, how we'll grow, if we'll mesh together once we're closer. i don't foresee things leading to marriage, but i'm not saying it's not in my mind, either. Just being real.

Anywho....

i can't get TM out of my head. He'll pop up once in a while [who am i kidding, he pops upa lot] and then i get frustrated with things as they replay in my mind. i think, what bothers me most...

...i feel like i'm a dirty little secret of his that's been swept under the carpet...

'course, i know that's not really the case. It's just hard not to see it that way, and getting harder still as time has passed and haven't had ANY contact with him. i thought he'd at least be mature(?) polite(?) enough to respond to the last e-mail or letter i wrote him.

*sigh*

Maybe he just needs time.

Maybe i'm still not over it.

How do i get over the fixation?

At one point, i had considered moving out to CA. Well, actually, there were several points before and during internship that i considered it. i toyed with the idea of doing an internship out there, but there wasn't anything really close to him. Now that i'm job searching and man, are there a lot of jobs out in his area! One of 'em is actually with the population i want to work with after i get a year or two of experience.

This has come up more, and a lot, in the last week and this weekend since i'm at our association's national conference. Networking, learning more, and job-searching and more networking!

Yes. jobs out by TM.

*sigh*

i need to get to revising my resume and hardcore. i wonder if TM would look it over for me.

See?

It's thoughts like that that make me feel as if i'm backtracking. Or, as if i haven't made progress at all.

...that then begs the question: progress towards what?

still truckin' along.

still sorta confused and scared.

i apologize to one and all and You for not updating this blog more frequently as of late. My thoughts and attention has been elsewhere, as life demands it.

Yet, at the same time...my thoughts have been with You, and this blog, and my gift to You.

Is this a gift for you? Or has it turned into a journal? Or was it never a gift for You and something that i called a gift to You so that i could write all those thoughts and feelings for TM out in a safe place?

Well, if you get this and are reading it, then i've decided that it IS indeed for you.

i don't want to give you something that wasn't meant for you, y'know? Neither of us would be happy in the long run.

i'll figure it out.

i miss talking to TM. i could really use his advice/listening ear/amazing talent of spitting my confused thoughts out to me in a coherent manner. i really hope he finds a woman deserving of him.

Experience. Time. Ughs.

i'll be back later.