i had a rather strange dream last night. Here's what i remember:

i was taking a bath when another girl was shoved into the bathroom with me. A voice said that i was to take care of her, so i proceeded to instruct her to bathe with me. Meanwhile, someone else came in and sat on the toilet -- but this other girl and i had the curtain closed so it was ok. She was nervous and scared about having been abducted. i reassured her that everything would be ok, and that she was lucky.

As dreams go, we were then in a room that resembled that of an economical hotel room, but it was a dorm-like environment/floor. There was a queen/full bed, dresser, large windows, and tv. It was just me for a moment and i was cleaning, preparing for her arrival. Some people from the "floor" stopped by and offered to help clean, but i dismissed them. After a little while, the girl i had bathed with came and i gave her a "tour" of the room. i told her that she would have the foot of our bed, or (as it magically appeared) a smaller day bed next to our bed.

After i explained it all, she asked me about Him and expressed anxiety/concern once more. i again reassured her that it was all ok, that i had been through it before, and that [here's the kicker] TM was a good man....

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So, i thought i was done with TM in the sense that, i'd finally forced thoughts of him out of my mind. Finally! But then, this odd dream kicks in....

i'm not sure what to make of it.

My Dearest Sir, oh my Dearest Master!

i can't seem to strike an image from the past when i use the word "Master" but i assure you, i am address You. i SO badly want to be with You so that i can completely devote myself to you and not be yearning for what's past (unconsciously....it seems).

Lately i've been very doubtful as to whether or not i'll EVER find you. Or if you'll ever find me. Am i doomed? Should i settle? i'm not a quitter....at least, i don't want to be. i'm sure you wouldn't want me to be.

i guess, i still need to learn to appreciate myself more.

It just seems that i have nowhere to apply myself as of late. At least, i have no interest to do so. My only true interest/desire is to make my other half happy and full of joy. To serve him to the best of my abilities. i want to live for him so that i can complete him, and he complete me. i hope that W/we may forever challenge each other to grow.

i guess, my problem is that i don't want to do things for myself. i only want to do them for You. Thus, it's really hard to motivate myself when doubting your existence. i've gained weight since being home...which is SO not cool, since i had dropped ten-fifteen pounds over the last year or so. Gaining it back is NOT cool AT ALL. And yet...that motivation i had is gone. i'm not sure what the motivation was before (it felt good?) but whatever it was it's gone. Or perhaps the motivation is there, but is clouded with this cloud of self doubt and pity.

WHoa. Self pity? Nah, it isn't that. i don't pity myself 'cause i know i can take action. i just...am feeling slothful? That's my problem. i need ot pick up my feet and find a new source of inspiration. Since i don't have You, i must inspire myself.

*sigh*

Words often don't do my thoughts justice.



-me-