June 21st, 12:52am EST

i can’t sleep. i went to bed at 11pm, returned some phone calls, and now i’m up again. i just can’t sleep. Thoughts of you. Wanting you. Needing you. Wanting someone to submit to, knowing i can’t and shouldn’t just submit to anyone. It wouldn’t be fair to you or to me, or to the person involved. Not that there’s anyone i’d submit to now anyways…well, i mean, there’s my Trainer and then i’ve befriended another in the lifestyle (phone for now), but that’s all it is. Slow. Patience. Understanding.

i need to learn to be on my own two feet. i will. It’s been extra difficult, because all of these transitions have been great and i love that not every day of mine has been identical and i’ve really no set-obligated routine (yet…). BUT, at the same time….it’s slow getting to know people and my Trainer’s time has been increasingly limited, and i wish more and more that i could, well, do more for him. It’s hard for me to control my emotions. Frustration, to sadness, to anger, and then back to frustration. There’s got to be an out here i’m not seeing. Perhaps after a night’s sleep it’ll come.

i’m workin on it, i really am. “It” being patience, self-control, emotional control/analysis, and the like. It’s funny, how my head and heart don’t work together. Well, okay, it’s not that funny nor that uncommon. But, it just seems odd and unnatural that these two systems of ours don’t seem to connect sometimes.

Perhaps the extra emotional strain of late has been particularly with my Trainer and with my new interactions with the new friend in the lifestyle (he’s a Dom). In my mind, i knew and understood that the relationship between me and TM would have an end. Hence, training- right? Train, to learn. My heart, unfortunately, didn’t get the memo and it’s been a struggle since, as parts have been documented in this blog. It’s gotten better, mind and heart are sort of at least on parallel if not the same track now, but i think the heart is there reluctantly. The moment the heart agrees that there will be an end and it will be okay, it then bounces back in anger of why it must be so. *sigh* and the battle continues. My head knows why, and my head even knows my heart would only be crushed or unhappy in the long-run if it transitioned from training to permanent/long-term. Yet, mind can’t seem to put its foot down in terms of what it wants or when or how. Heart of course, isn’t helping.

i don’t know if any of this made any sense. it’s 1:02 now. I really should sleep. I’ve got tears in my eyes though. They’ve been on and off since oh, 11:30 or so. It has been quite a while since i’ve had emotional tears though…not since…perhaps the last week of school when i broke down with TM over the stress and worry and anxiety of graduating and going home and all. So, in some sense i was due. But, i don’t want crying/breakdowns to be regular…. i want them few and far between. *sigh* i bet you’d agree. i also hope i’m still not all emotionally unstable when you’re reading this, whenever it may be in the future.

June 20th, 2007

Master,
i miss you. LOTS. Contemplating venturing into some vanilla dating. Or at least, opening myself up to it. Doesn’t mean it’ll happen. Even if i decide to open myself up to it, won’t be easy meeting/finding dates. If anything, i just want to meet new people now. Makes me feel like my chances of meeting you decrease with each new person i meet. Lest, you’re right beneath my nose. Stop hiding! *sigh* Have i told you that i miss you?

It's funny how being tucked away in the middle of nowhere, being 20 minutes from the nearest small town/village and 30 minutes from "town/downtown" makes me want to get back to writing and steer clear of the internet. i have internet in the office, as stated before, but i really only use it for e-mail and occasional reports i need to write. Thus, this blog has been getting neglected! *sigh*

BUT....

Master,
i haven't stopped thinking about you. You're still on my mind. i'll admit, perhaps not as much as before seeing as i currently have more obligations, but you're still very much on my mind. -smiles- Who knows, maybe you're right around the corner?

i most definitely thought of you last Saturday when i was sitting out in the late afternoon by the flat river here in the nearby town/village. There were all these ducks just takin' their afternoon nap. i was watching this one female duck (i believe most were Mallards) and how there were all these males around her. i'll admit i was sort of jealous! Haha...Anyway, i was watching her sleep when she lifted her head, looked up at me, and sneezed! i thought i had imagined it when she did it again! Twice! She looked right at me, shook her head, and then tucked it back down to continue with the nap. Oh, i chuckled outloud! No one else was around, and i wished so badly you could've been there with me to see it. Who'd have thought i'd ever have the chance to hear/watch a duck sneeze? It was possibly one of the cutest things i've ever seen.

Master,
It’s been a while since i’ve written you. Well, it’s been a crazy past few weeks!

i just started my internship June 4th, and before then it was madness with my aunt and uncle in from out of the country, and with my cousin being home and all. Lotsa family goodness (always bittersweet).

Anywho, I bought a car (co-signed with my mom), and have been driving a lot. i’m getting better and more used to it. People here are speed demons! Hafta drive a lot for this job. If only the job paid more (and reimbursed more for mileage).

Anyway, it’s actually June 6th, as i’m writing this. i’m saving it in a word document with intentions to copy and paste into the memos blog. See, i don’t have internet access at my new place, and I don’t really want to do this sort of stuff in my office (yes, I have my own office!). So, next time I hit up some free WiFi somewhere, i’ll copy and paste this.

:)

Hope all is well.

Master,

i want to be with you SO much. My heart and soul yearn for you.

i've been home for about a week and a half now, i had left right after the graduation ceremony. It came, it went. Nothing all that special. i guess, it didn't mean so much to me because i'm still technically a student. i don't get my degree til after i complete my internship. So, while i was allowed to participate in the ceremony a semester early (at my parents' request), it didn't mean much for me except a bit of chaos before (finishing projects, scurrying to hangout with people last minute, etc).

Anywho, so i've been home. i bought a car two days ago. Okay, my parents (mom) bought it for me but i'm a co-signer. i'm scared. i dislike driving. Actually, in all honesty, driving scares me. i don't have much driving experience compared to most my age. It's gotten easier though, and it's a bit of a necessity, unfortunately. i think in my dream job and home, i'd be able to train/bus/walk/bike to and from work and grocery stores and clothing stores and all the like.

About the car: i think i'm spoiled. i'm not spoiled in that i don't appreciate what i have/get from my parents, but the fact that they do so much for me. Like, pay for my college education AND now buy me a car. It's like, i sort of grew up and my parents always told me they'd pay, but that we'd have to take out loans, i should try and get scholarship - but the reality of loans didn't mean anything to me. i thought it did, but it didn't. Sure, as my parents are reassuring me it's okay to have loans out and such, it IS okay, but i definitely could've been working harder to get money and the like sooner had i more motivation. My fault for not seeing, their fault for not wanting me to have to be distracted from my studies.

Anyways, i want to cry right now. Because, these past few weeks i've felt this overwhelming sense of love from my parents. It's not that they've done anything different, but i've just suddenly realized that, more or less, i am a HUGE part of their life and i feel like...it's a burden. i don't know why, and i don't think it should. Somehow, i feel like their love is a burden, possibly because i'm scared that i'm going to let them down. It should be a comfort, it really should. However, i guess, the comfort isn't there because i fear and know they are only mortal.

What am i getting at?

That, i think, if it came down to a need to decide between you and my parents, i'd pick you. Even though i don't know you yet. Why do i even think this might be a problem? 'cause i think my parents would prefer if i married a guy of the same ethnicity (and i don't really see that happening...not that i'm excluding the possibility).

Anyways, i just really wish i could be in your arms right now.

i wish i felt more together, at least as together or "with-it" as i appear to the rest of the world.