"Being submissive and giving up control of your body and actions frees a woman from responsibility for the act of releasing her sexual nature to its fullest. After all, you are only doing what your Master wants you to do. You are fulfilling your need to be a good girl and a wanton woman by doing all He desires you to do for Him. When your reluctance to abandon yourself becomes a hurdle, a loving Master will use bondage or other techniques to relieve you of the burden of dealing with the conflict you may experience. He is in control so you can't resist doing those things you that embarrass you. You are freed from the culpability and guilt that society has used to bind you. You have no fear of the passionate Tigress and her depraved hunger because they are controlled by your Master. You can enjoy the fullness and completion of your sexuality without defilement or corruption and remain the guileless and virtuous "good girl." All of this is part the mystery and magic of D/s." (Copyright© 1998 by jade)

http://castlerealm.com/library/darkside.shtml

i'm restraining my inner "tigress" until you prove you're worthy, Master. :D Just kidding. More like, i'm waiting until we find each other. :)

Sometimes i just stop and wonder how i got to the very point that i'm at in life. The point that will have long passed after i click "submit." But then, i might stop and ponder whatever point it is i'm at in my life it is when i reread this again. It could be in five minutes, tomorrow, a week from now, a year, or a decade. Anyway, whenever i stop and reflect and assess my current situation, it always amazes and scares me. What it is that puts me in such awe? Life.

Am i the only one who isn't on birth control? It seems like everyone is doing it for one reason or another. Perhaps i'm old fashioned, but i feel like it's pretty risky 'cause the long-term effects are still questionable, even though i am aware that birth control (pills) have been around for almost half a century. In that regard, i'm worried about generational effects - how it affects children of the future and such.

i'm not against birth control. There are people out there who need it for health purposes and whatnot, and i think that's great. i don't like the idea of being on it merely to regulate (or eliminate) one's period, though. i guess i feel like there are so many other ways to prevent pregnancy, that doing it on a hormonal level seems unnecessarily risky.

i don't know, i guess this is one of those "to each her own" deals. i'd just hate if i were on the pill or some other form of birth control and then get off it to find out that i can't have kids anyways. Or, to find out that my grandkids are somehow gonna be messed up. Meh...perhaps i'm just an over-worrier.

i can't wait to give you a child...

There are many nights where i feel like i want to be alone and i don't make any plans or avoid people or whatever. Half of those nights i spend alone i often come up with something really cool to show for it (a new artwork, new song, homework, etc) and the other half of the time i end up moping around and wondering why i didn't go out and wishing i had someone to just lounge around with. i like to just, lounge, but it really isn't the same without someone to lounge with. Most people i'd hang out with want to be active or need to be doing something to make it quality time - i have yet to meet someone who just wants to lounge. i guess that could be awkward. who knows. i hope you'll lounge around with me, Master...

...is to serve you!

Ah, it's been a while since my last entry. Since then, i have been offered and accepted an internship. It's yet to be confirmed in writing, but i should get a letter within the next week or so and then we'll work things out and make it official and such. The past few days have been kinda crazy. You know how most people go crazy their freshman year of college and try to straighten out their act senior year? Well, i'm kinda experimenting and checking stuff out now, and was way more serious as a freshman. Tis life. Not that i'm going all out crazy, but i'm trying to make the best of the last of my undergrad years. Right...

Since the trip to visit TM, him and i actually haven't had too much time to talk, at least not as much as before the trip. It's weird, 'cause i'm not freaking out about it or anything, as i'm sure i would've a month or so ago. I say it's weird, but it's probably a good thing to show that i've grown and am developing my trust and patience.

i think having pretty much figured out my summer plans and whatnot, a great deal of anxiety has been taken from me. Granted, there's still a lot in the more immediate future that i have to worry about, the anxiety is lessened 'cause now i know i have something to work towards. The thing that makes me somewhat sad about the tentative summer plans is that it sort of makes it unavoidable for me to ignore or deny the fact that my training with TM will come to an end. It's one thing to acknowledge it and have it floating out there, but it's another to actually see and realize that it's approaching.

Yes, it's just training. Yes, strong feelings have developed. Yes, i'm still aware of the boundaries and limitations within our relationship that we've both acknowledged. No, we didn't and haven't set an end date. i guess, this has sort of come to mind, too, since we haven't been able to chat as much.

i have an incredibly strong desire to serve and if i could have my way, that's probably all i would do. Live to serve a strong, intelligent, respectful, and caring man with all of my body and mind. i'd lay around the house or whatever at his service when he pleased, to be his toy. i'd be a physical toy for him, as well as a servant around the house. it'd be great if i could work too. i would love to bear his children.

i realize that my desires have become more clear to me and knowing what i want is in a sense, comforting. The discomfort is slight, and comes with the knowledge that my desires will only bring me happiness in the right context.

And thus, i'm keepin my eyes open for you.