"I keep a close watch on this heart of mine,
I keep my eyes wide open all the time.
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds,
because you're mine, I walk the line."

i'm not sure how that applies, exactly, to my life. Art is all a matter of interpretation, anyways.

Master,
On the topic of my virginity and wanting it to be a gift to you, i realize that you may not want/necessarily care either way. I feel this is an important limit of mine to keep (no vaginal penetration by a penis) because it's not something i can take back. It's a fine line i'm walking, as i'm trying to gain as much experience everywhere else and push limits sexually and DESPERATELY wanting a cock in my cunt. I know that when i give it up, i can't very well take that back. I know many people think it's silly, or honorable, impossible, or even stupid. However, I really hope you appreciate my intent. I want to save it in case you want it. If you want me to have more experience before we're together, or even before playing with you - that's attainable. If you don't appreciate the gift already, I feel as if you may come to appreciate it once we get to know each other. Especially if i learn many other ways to pleasure you...

Master,
I was rereading some stuff at submissiveloving.com and really liked this passage written by a Dom regarding tips/pointers on interacting with a sub:

"If you are plying your hold over her effectively, you will keep her thinking about you. Perhaps it is with some trinket you require her to wear. Or some article of clothing you don't allow. Or a ritual you require her to perform on a regular basis. Or a symbol that she wears or has nearby. There must be something. She is like a kite. You need to tag a tail onto her for stability, and you need to hang her from a string, which binds her to you. It's ok to let out more string at some times, or pull her in close to you at others. But she needs that stability...that is why she is there." (http://www.submissiveloving.com/Domsview.html)

The idea that a sub is like a kite is just so incredibly perfect. A kite is beautiful when the owner puts it in the right conditions - it naturally soars freely, and beautifully. Without its owner to push its limits against gravity, the kite would go nowhere. The kite obeys its owner's every tug and instruction, and if a good kite gets stuck the owner retrieves it. Good owners know how to keep their kites away from danger.

Like a kite, i know i will soar beautifully and freely with you at the rein; you will care for me, push my limits, and i will make you proud. I will soar freely within the bounds of your control.

It will be glorious when that day comes.

I've never been much of a risk-taker. I've always been one to believe and hold to the "better safe than sorry" idea. This however, may very well just be the end of me. I've tried to change that - to take more risks, to explore new things and find out what's out there. Though lately, i'm starting to wonder if it's all worth it.

I've started down this path and while it's brought me a very deep sense of peace and even a harmony with myself i didn't know existed, i have to keep it hidden from the rest of the world and those i love. What good is that? What good is happiness and harmony within myself if it only darkens the rest of my life?

I mean this in the sense that - i've got a good thing going for me, right? A bf who loves me - who earlier today told me that as natural as it seems to me that i am a submissive and as comfortable as i try to explain to him that it is to me, his love for me (so he says)feels that natural to him. i think he's perfect the way he is (for someone else...), and don't want him to change, but he wants to change to make me happy. I think there are girls out there who would love the idea of a man willing and wanting to change his behavior/ways for her. Me? Not really, at least not right now.

i guess, this is the result of me and the bf having a long discussion about "us" again. i mean, i've definitely felt more and more distant from him every day, as well as increasingly indifferent about the relationship, which results in guilt. i realize that i've probably changed a lot since my time with TM, but part of it was also me thinking that the bf didn't care. He explained to me that yes, he has felt the difference and he didn't know how to react to it. Thus, we've just been sort of stagnant. He thinks we can't do anything until we're able to do more than talk. i can't spend any more thought on this at the moment (i was tempted to put "i don't know" and leave it at that, but that'd be a lie so i'll hafta write more later).

Anyways... Master...this is another somewhat, less hopeful post to you. I feel lost. I need to know that you're out there and i want so badly to know who you are now. are you one and the same as my bf? doubtful, but if so - then why am i still with him? are you one and the same as TM? doubtful as well - but if so, then why such hesitation? Are you even out there? I'm tempted to say doubtful, but due to the nature of this blog, if its purpose is fulfilled and you're reading - i'd get in trouble so i'll say not doubtful.

Ughs. i guess i'm just frustrated with myself right now, I'm sorry Master. I need to learn to be able to make decisions for myself. I guess, the stronger i make myself the more i have to give you, right?

*sigh*

Master,
i hope you and TM will know each other well.

i also hope to be in your embrace soon.