I was re-reading my last post, and have decided that I'm going to leave it as is. There are some typos and the language and flow isn't exactly of the highest standard, but I think it captures the moment of which it was written. Going back, as I had originally intended to do, seems unfair.

Once again, I'm trying to figure out what exactly is going on with me. I'm in that weird calm state again, with things brewing and stirring underneath.

Of course, being at home always makes me feel out of place. At least, it has since I've been away for college and whatnot. With each passing year it feels less like home. This trip home though, is a little harder to take as my dob isn't here anymore. The house is cleaner because there isn't fur everywhere, which is nice. But, there's just one less body, one less soul, one less being that emmits love. Her stuff is still in my room, blankets and mats of hers. There's a box of her toys in it - I didn't know what it was and looked inside it for about a second until I realized what it was. I'm not ready to look at more of her things yet. Not now. It hurts still and I miss her a lot.

I have things (academic related and not) I need to get done, and suprisingly, unlike past breaks, I've been chipping away at things (not at a good pace, but better than nothing).

I went to renew my driver's license today, since today was the expiration date on the old one. Master, i HATE driving. I'm okay at it, I just really hate doing it. I need to learn to become better at it and to not mind it so much. I also need to work at getting a car. Just, for work and professional purposes I guess. Still, I HATE driving.

I forget what I had intended to write to you now, Master. I have to admit I've been distracted my instant messages and such. Perhaps my thoughts will be more organized later.

I am incredibly eager to find you, Master.

I thought I should post this in my deadjournal, but I have a hunch it was implied that I was to post this here. I apologize in advance, Master, and want you to keep in mind that this is my past. And, if you are reading this - whatever date it is, we've already found each other and you know that I serve you, and that your pleasure is my desire.

With that disclaimer out of the way, my training master through me a bit of a curveball. I've been instructed to blog here after...well, let me back up. And please excuse my poor typing skills (typos, grammar, etc) as i'm in a bit of a rush. i may come back at a later time and fix them. But then again, sometimes i type better when in a rush.

I was working on one of my many final projects when he messaged me with, well - maybe i can copy and paste it.

Master(11:07:48 PM): I'm ready to use you.
me(11:08:03 PM): I'm...available, techinically. Though working on a project.
me (11:08:10 PM): what would you like, Master?
Master (11:08:56 PM): To fuck your bitchhole till you beg me to cum, sub.
me(11:09:37 PM): Please allow me to ask another question...when would you like to use me, Master?
Master(11:09:54 PM): Immediately.
me(11:10:13 PM): -nods- Yes, Master. would you like me to call?(i need to get my phone)
Master (11:10:34 PM): Yes. Do so. Now.
me ( 11:10:40 PM): -nods- Yes, Master.

It took me a little longer than i thought it would to find my phone. I called twice and it went straight to his voicemail, so I'm assuming he was attempting to call me. When i waited and called the third time he picked up and didn't sound pleased - and reminded me that when he wants to use me, he wants it immediately.

Gosh...i'm sitting with my legs crossed right now so the hunger there ignorable...sorta. though i didn't even bother to get dressed - my tits, my nipples, UGHS they desire right now so much....

Master pulled a cum from me and well, before it my mind was somewhat scattered...i was somewhat kinda irked abouit being pulled from progress on the project but i was incredibly glad to hear his voice...my cunt wanted to be used...the idea of serving other women doesn't appeal to me so much...i...dangit. refocus...

if i haven't said so already - basically, he pulled a cum from me, knowing that one just gets me even more worked up (most of the time), and had me stop. i don't think he's ever done that before. so he had me stop (hands off...which now, kinda reminds me of old Ph's technique...that first dom guy i mention way back at the beginning *shudders*) gosh i'm so scattered brain...where was i? *looks at last few lines* Yes. Hands off, and then he instructed me to blog how that made me feel. After which, i'm to call him and IF he's pleased perhaps i'll get release and even a special treat before the next block of days where we'll be oiut of touch (i'll be home with the fam...Ughs)

so...how did that make me feel? fuck i don't know! i think blogging puts me into a different mindset - one that seperates the immediate emotions and the physical..or something. Or it's just TOO immediate and nothing has processed yet. Um...all i know, right now, my tits and nipples are a distraction and my cunt is demanding attention.

it made me feel...i felt...comfortable. i felt..."normal" with his instructions... i felt...again, comfortable? natural perhaps is abetter word...i don't know..i'll blog abouit this later i'm sure. i hope this suffices.

i wonder if he has intentions to read this?

Oi!

I got back in town after having been in a (professional) conference since last Thursday. It was my first time attending national conference and I've returned from it with more knowledge, contacts, information, sources, inspiration, hope, and frustration. It's amazing.

I'm posting now to catch up the happenings that occured before the lovely break of conference. The punishment. The aftermath. And, whatever else.

Last Wednesday I finally recieved the punishment - the physical part of it. Nine self-inclited slaps to the cunt. [I feel wrong putting that word up here, on the net, but if you're under 18 you shouldn't be in "adult" blogs anyway so SCRAM.] I needed at least seven of those to pass, or else Master would bring his paddle to our first meeting.

The first one was good, but then I got nervous or something and "muffed" the next two. I freaked out. I asked for a break, and he allowed me one. I calmed myself down and tried my best to focus. Slaps 3-7 were decent. He made me re-do #8 but accepted it. Nine was fine. So, techinically I didn't quite make it without ruining three - but he accepted it and considered my punishment fulfilled *phew*

I had mixed feelings about it. I think, Master knew I was trying incredibly hard and that I was not, in any purposeful way, trying to lessen the pain/punishment on myself or upset him. I twas very fair of him, yet I'm almost sitll slightly annoyed that he would set me up to almost fail. I know I didn't fail and that's what matters - but that was a little too close for my comfort.

After the punishment my body was trembling again, but my mind was sort of at peace - moreso calm. It was a really odd state of being. It was as if my mind and body had disconnected. Master had me play after that, though he only pulled one cum from me. I don't know how to put it other than, my body wasn't in the mood for another cum after that. I think that's the first time it's happened (at least with him).

It was good. Oh, I should also note that it was either Thursday or Wednesday morning that one of the things he sent me arrived - "Story of O" by Pauline Reage. He referred to it as a D/s classic, so I'll probbaly be reading it as soon as the semester is over during my break (won't that be a wonderful christmas story? hehe).

He had hoped the other package, which was in our mailbox when I returned today, would have arrived last week before I left. It's a (nicer) hands-free set for my cell. He was getting aggravated with me not having one (or one that I would use). I hope to talk to him later.

I can't wait to meet my permanant Master....where are you right now? You probably won't even remember!

I asked my current Master to clarify the impending punishment. I sensed that I didn't recall things correctly (especially given the states of mind i was in. So here was the response:

"Should you provide 3 poorly executed slaps where I determine that you either pulled the hit or simply muffed the placement, I will call the punishment as unfulfilled and do it myself with my paddle when we meet. I will also likely add an interim punishment to make sure you don't blow it on purpose. However, I trust your integrity and commitment to be honest with me in both words and deeds so that shouldn't be much of an issue."

Now that the other post is out of my system, it's time to update the happenings of this weekend.

My 1,000 word essay on the dangers of apathy and importance of passion, with references to history and the effects on both a micro and macro level, was due this past Saturday at 12pm PST. Due to that unexpected party Friday night (see previous posts), of which I had intended to write the paper at that time, that did not happen. I woke up Saturday and once I was oriented I did my best to continue working on my paper. It was and is such a hard topic for me to write about, and honestly I think the end result was a crappy paper because I really didn't agree with the view on the topic and really didn't feel like I should've had to write it without getting the chance to explain how I felt about it. this of course, was part immaturity and stubborness since the reason I was writing it was because it was punishment for missing a (different) deadline. I had said to Master part of why I missed the deadline was I was feeling apathetic about things and what needed to be done.

Anyway, I found myself stuck. At about 12:30pm or so CST, Master came online and I messaged him - begging him for an extension. About 15 minutes later he responded and we ended up on the phone around 1pm. I had to leave at about 1:20 to get ready/go to work. His answer, of course, was no and he was very, very, upset with me. The extra punishment had already been set that for ever 4 hour block this essay was late, I would recieve (or give myself, rather), an acceptable slap on the cunt (judged by sound). Since the essay was part of punishment for missing a deadline, Master decided that apparently the threat of being slapped wasn't enough and that he was going to increase the punishment as my late time increased. He also restricted my talking to others about the topic, particularily my subbie friend, Michelle. I had to leave for work.

I went to work with very mixed emotions, finding myself mad at not only my lack of effecient time-management skills, but also mad at him. The paper was on a stupid topic. Apathy is dangerous in large quantities, but passion is too. I did not feel like my saying I felt apathetic one day warranted an essay on the topic. I was at work until about 4:30 CST.

Aftework I was originally going to go home and ready myself for a party of which I told a friend I'd go to since she was hosting. I couldn't decide what to do so I took a walk downtown in search of dinner. Of course, I wanted to get a frozen pizza and none of the paces had the one that I liked at the price I'm used to getting it at. So instead of finding dinner, I wandered around hungry in thought and debate of whether or not to go to the party. Eventually I got a piece of lasgna to take home and eat.

I was home around 5:30 CST. I decided that I needed to get the paper done, and finding a ride to and from the party was too much of a hassle anyways. Even if I didn't care about the topic I cared about the relationship with Master and I feared his punishment, even if I knew I could end it and avoid it. I worked on the paper the best I could. Truly uninspired, I managed to put it together about 11:30 or 12 CST. I was in the third block of time on that punishment scale.

Eventually, probably around 12:30CST or so, Master called me. My paper was acceptable. I didn't quite hit the points he had wanted me to get, but it was acceptable. I thought it was crappy anyways, I didn't tell him, and don't plan to. For the next 2 hours or so, the following things were discussed/happened.

He explained that he was incredibly insulted and felt low on my priotity list because he knew I had time to do this paper before. My reasons and explanations of not being able to think of ideas or to write my ideas in a way that I thought were of quality before the dealine were only excuses to him. He emphasized that at any point, I can walk away from this if it is not what I needed at this point in my life. He told me that in the past he has had a "three-strikes you're out" rule with subs he's trained. Depending on how you counted the previous mistake I had made, this was number three. He doesn't really use that rule anymore but he warned me that I needed to watch myself, and that he won't put up with such things anymore. If i wasn't passionate about this, about our relationship, then he would end it.

Having not slept well the night before and being very upset with myself and with him, the impending punishment evoled mixed feelings from me. I almost wanted to yell at him right then, and say that I wanted out. Yet something kept that part of me supressed.

He had me pick a number 1-10 and then threw out a bunch of numbers to me. 21 days since the essay was assigned. 12 hours it was late. 3 late block. After explaining that he had a lot of numbers to pick with, he had be pick again, from 2-6. I chose the number 3 and he used it as a base for some sort of calculation or another. I had earned myself 9 slaps.

Now, it seems kinda odd to me if i step outside into a vanilla perspective, but I'm not sure how it fits in bdsm lenses. It seemed right to me, I had earned them because I had missed the deadline. He ordered me to slap my cunt and became increasingly upset as I was rarely doing it correctly. He could tell that I was "pulling back" or not hitting myself "square on." Now, honestly I perhaps was pulling back because it was very unnatural for me to slap myself. I must say though, I was trying my hardest to please him and to do it right consistently. Eventually, he threatened me by mentioning he had a paddle with holes in it and that if I didn't do this right he would personally deliver the punishment (additionally on my ass) when we meet. I managed to ask him to explain the proper technique for me to do it "correctly." I had wanted to ask sooner but hadn't had the chance. He appreciated me asking and explained it in detail. I did my best, it was better after that - and it did hurt a bit more. It was a good 20 minutes or so of on-off slapping.

After all of that, I realized that I was really, really, wet. I wasn't mentally aroused, but physically I was there. Master could tell, and as he put it, I was "topping from the bottom" when I said to him, "Master, if it pleases you - please take a cum from me." At the time, he was amused at how I had asked, and I think suprised (as I was) that the pain had aroused me.

He permitted and worked me to release. Afterwhich we continued talking more and he said that the next day (which has changed since, due to our schedules) I was going to give him 9 good slaps. If I didn't give those consecutively to him, this (our relationship), would be over. He said that he'd need to find new ways to punish me, since I had been adapting to things he had used so far (restrictions, slapping).

It was in the 2 o'clock hour CST when he ordered me to get up and put my tank top back on and slip into the shortest skirt I owned. My roommates were gone. He ordered me to walk out of the apartment into the hallway. He ordered me to go ten feet from my door. He had me lift my skirt up and expose myself. If I thought people were coming, I was to say so and I could drop it. It was probably only a few minutes, but it felt waaay longer. As soon as I was allowed back in the apt I was breathing heavily with sighs of relief, leaning against the door. I want back to my room and laid down - and found myself trembling, shaking. Master asked why I was shaking and if I was crying. I honestly did not know, I could not physically control the shaking or uneven breathing. He asked if I had had previous bad experiences being exposed, or things of the life. He asked if I had any issues with my body, or if I felt ashamed of it. He said that I had a great body and that the pictures I've taken for him definitely didn't lead to him anticipating this reaction. He sounded generally concerned. I was again tempted to tell him that I wanted out. Instead, I asked him if I had permission to sleep. I was still trembling, and he responded that he did not want to leave me in this state, and that he had not seen any signs of me reacting this way. I told him that I really wanted to be alone. He re-emphasized that he had not anticipated this reaction and that he did not want to leave me in that state, but he said we'd talk tomorrow. I settled down and called my bf, I had promised him before all this talk with Master that I'd call him in "a bit" before I went to bed. I had not anticpated "a bit" to be 2.5 hours. No answer. I thought he was asleep already.

Today, he called around 10am but I didn't want to talk AND i was half-awake when he did call. He let me sleep. Around noon I was finally awake, lying in bed. I called my bf at abouit 12:30 from bed. He was eating and said he'd call me back. I returned Master's call and he said he was eating breakfast, and he'd call me back. At about 12:45 or so my bf called back, and two minutes into that call Master called back. I told Master I'd call him back 'cause I was on the other line; since I had to work shortly we agreed that I'd call him later that evening. My bf and I didn't talk too long. He confessed that he was awake last night when I had called, but was upset that I had called nearly 3 hours later, and chosen not to answer. I was VERY upset about this, but figured if he had been upset and answered it wouldn't have been any better considering the state i was in. I was still rather pissed, I wanted to tell him what had happened to me last night, what I was feeling, that I wanted to dump the bdsm stuff and try to stick it out in vanilla with just him. But then, he pissed me off 'cause he obviously didn't want to hear about it and he suddenly realized he had been awake for 23 hours. So much for promising me he'd take better care of himself.

After work and hanging out with a friend, I called Master on my walk home. I was in a much better mood, and more optimistic about bdsm things. He again mentioned that my reaction last night had caught him offguard. He asked if I knew why I reacted that way. I had given it some thought, and responded that it's because I know almost everyone that lives on my floor. I have no problem taking inappropriate photos of myself for him or strangers, and i do have fantasies of being used by other/multiple men, but it's almost always been with strangers, out of my control. Master also noted that it was the first time I'd been punished in this manner and perhaps it was the whole emotional thing and repsonding to his being upset as well.

He asked if everything was ok becuase I sounded stressed earlier. I told him how I felt like timing between him and my BF are often horrible. He stated that it didn't appear they conflicted that much, but when it did happen it must feel as if i was being hit extra hard.

When I was back in my apt we again discussed how neither of us was truly aware that the pain would arouse me. Yes, we were both aware that rough play with my breasts and nipples arouses me - but the slapping in the lower area was a new one. Hearing his voice, talking about it, again aroused me and of course he could sense it. He had gave me release twice, as he knows one just makes me more hungry and he is a "greedy master" that "wants the product of what he has worked up" and no other person should benefit.

We ended our phone time with figuring out when the punishment would be given. Tomorrow is bad for him, apparently and I have an exam Tuesday night. He declared Tuesday after my exam would be the time.

I have mixed feelings and thoughts about the impending punishment. I feel like, I'm doing my best to do what he wants but it won't be fair if I can't get it right all 9 times. I don't think that's what he wants anyways, since we're planning to meet in December. I know I shouldn't test him, and I won't. Part of me just wonders if he'd really call it off if I don't make it, but the rest of me knows or thinks that he would. I mean, if he can tell I'm not trying to do what he's asking that's one thing. But if I try my hardest and still fail, AND lose him that instant, I'll be in a major wreck Tuesday night.