Oh, gosh.

Master I hope you're looking for me. I truly need to guard my heart/figure out what I want. I think I'm falling...losing the battle of controlling my emotions...

I'm sitting here, watching the bears/cardinal game. Now, I'm not a huge football fan, nor do I hate the game. I understand it and can sometimes enjoy it. However, in this case - I'm watching because I know my training master is watching the game. He's a huge bears fan. Having the game on makes me feel closer to him.(I wonder if he'll stumble upon this post? Oi. If he does, I hope he'll let me know).

I'm in trouble, aren't I?

The past few days I've been fighting the onsets of a cold or else have been hit by a very mild one. Whatever it is, I sound sick today but feel a little better.

I woke up this morning around 7am and didn't want to get out of bed. It's freakin cold out and we don't have our heat on. Eventually I fell back asleep, only to awake at 8, and then 9am. So, I laid there and rolled around only to have my nipples irritated by my blankets and thus arousing me. Well, Master, I decided I'd take care of it since my current trainer has me on a cum allowance and I can cum once a day regardless of whether or not we have a session. However, I've come to discover that one isn't enough for me anymore and I was craving to give myself release soon thereafter - but of course, knew better than to disobey orders. It's funny, cause my trainer can't check, I can just lie or not mention it - but I'm not like that. I wouldn't do that. So it was about 9:30 and I wanted badly to call him for permission to do something about it or see if he'd be willing to help. However, I'm 2 hours ahead of him time-zone wise so I decided ot wait until 10am my time. He's told me he usually wakes at 7 regardless. I called at 10 and got his voicemail. I forced myself back to sleep.

Around 11am he called me and said that he had been asleep when I called and that he was surprised that he was still sleeping. Anyways...we chatted and caught up with each other and it transitioned into a session.

[Master I break my train of thought to remind you that I type this here not to make you jealous of something that's happened in my past - but to let you know how I've grown and where I've been. It will ultimately be up to you, how much you read or what you read, if you choose to read this at all.]

After the session, we chatted some more - a lot more than usual. We probably talked for at least an hour afterward. It's funny, because we've now officially hit the three things you're not supposed to talk with others about that you're just getting to know: sex, religion, and politics. I guess, he's become a pretty good friend if not more (and he IS currently my master), but it's just sort of odd to me how comfortable I feel being intimate with him in so many ways so quickly (almost two months now).

I need to remember to be honest with myself, and to who I am, and what I believe. It's true that a lot of times I sit on the fence for a lot of issues as my current master has pointed out to me. And, it's not because I don't care one way or the other - it's because I can argue for both sides equally and think that it really depends on the situation most of the time. However, I need to remember to listen to my inner voice and to my soul and to my heart when I do have an opinion or hesitations. I say this because I feel like I'm getting too attached to my current master. I'm also growingly nervous about how things will play ouit when I have my first physical bdsm related experience. I'm also anxious about my bf visiting in several weeks.

I don't want to let people down. I care about people. I have loved ones. I just don't know what I want. Not knowing what I want can be more frustrating for others than it can for me, it seems. Perhaps because I try to keep a little bit of everything in case I decide I want more of it. Does that make any sense?

Perhaps, we'll both look back at this and laugh.

This blog was and still is intended to be a collection of my thoughts to show/give to my future permanant Master after we're married. As for
who He is, I can't say I even know He exists right now. I write this in hopes that He's out there.

A dual purpose of this blog is for me to be able to reflect upon my own personal growth and to learn from others in and out of the lifestyle. I didn't expect it but am very glad and fortunate to have attracted some caring and intelligent semi-constant readers (who often have blogs that are neat, helpful, and that I track too). It's a nice support system.

I feel the need to clarify my current non-platonic relationships.

I currently have a boyfriend of the vanilla sorts. He is not my master, but simply, a boyfriend. It is long-distance. The last and only time we've seen each other in person was for four days over spring break of my sophomore year (bout a year and a half ago). It's complicated because, well, we've been together about 3 years now.

About a month and a half ago I accepted an offer from a Dom. He is now my Master and training me by phone with the understanding that we will meet for physical training when both our schedules allow.

My boyfriend knows about my interest in bdsm and that I have a master and am talking with others. I have told him exactly how I feel and what I want and that I -need- to explore this side of me. He has decided to stick with me while I do this. It has caused me...emotional distress and internal battle.

My current Master knows of my vanilla bf and is okay with it as of now because he is just training me. I am his property but early on he told me that he will not interfere with my vanilla relationship with my bf and that what I do there is up to me. He will offer advice now and then and tell me his opinions on things or situations that I mention to him regarding my bf, but he will not give me any orders in that area.

My current Master, who try to refer to in this blog as my trainer or training master, I sometimes have referred to as just Master here. I apologize for any confusion it may cause. To my future Dom/Master who is reading this - I mean no disrespect and am pretty sure it should be easier for you to distinguish what is and isn't being said towards or in reference to you.

My last post was dated 11:30pm or so.

Attachment. Beware. Denial of real feelings. Defense.

I tried my hardest to study after I typed up that post last night. I think I ended up taking a shower and then trying to study - only to find myself staring at my book and wondering what the point of it all was. Wondering if my beloved furry, four-legged sister, was at peace now. I was angry that my bf won't get to meet her. Not angry at her, angry at him. Not angry, upest.

That's not what I meant to post about.

What I meant to start off with is that through my period of not studying I decided to go to bed at about 12:30 or so. That's when Master called (as he said he'd call before 1am my time if he got out of his engagement soon enough). We spoke for about a half hour and he asked about my studying and emotions and all that. He said, and knew I'd agree, that something needs to be done about my sleep and study habit. He gave me several orders, for my own benefit.

1. Once off the phone, I was to study for at least 30 minutes and then sleep.
2.I was not to call my boyfriend that night.
3.Tomorrow (meaning, today) I was not to call my boyfriend after my classes during the time I was to be studying. I could answer if he called, and talk for 20 minutes at most - but I was not to call him.

Now, he hestitated on the part about my bf - as he had mentioned before to me that that was an area he wasn't going to touch since I'm not permanantly his (yet). Anyway, I'm posting about this because for whatever reason, after talking to him, even though I was ready for bed, I had energy and motivation and was able to focus on what I needed to do for about 30 minutes. I slept well.

Master, I think I need you more then I know.

(interesting above statement, isn't it?)

It feels like the last time I posted was weeks ago, but according to the date of my previous entry that is not the case. This might have to do with the uniqueness of the last few days.

What I'm about to narrate below may seem like an average college kid's weekend, but it was somewhat out of my usual routine/comfort zone.

To start off, it's important to note that one of my roommates has guy-friends she's known since high school living in an apt on the floor above us. She hands out with them a lot and I've gotten to know 'em a little bit too. They're not the kind of guys I’d usually hang out with, but they are nice guys and I'll admit, it's nice to have a group of guys to hang out with now (since I really haven't made any many macho-ish guy friends around here). It's a nice change from all the estrogen. Anyway, the guy I've gotten to know the most had his birthday last Thursday and so I went out with my roommate, the birthday boy, and a bunch of his other guy-friends. It was only dinner, but hanging out before was interesting. Reflecting upon this, I prefer hanging out with a group of guys (as friends), but prefer small gatherings with girls or mixed. I wonder why?

Friday night I worked and took a long walk home. I got into one of my weird moods - not wanting to talk to anyone, but knowing I should. I watched a movie called El Bola and enjoyed it, though was disturbed and in tears. After much debate I gave in and called my training master and we talked briefly. He had to be up early so he said I could call him when I was up.

Saturday, I woke up around 7am and told myself to go back to sleep - my training master had a planned engagement at that time so it wasn't like I could call him. Finally, around 9 or 10 I was awake again and called Master. He picked up and we did a bit of catching up, a session, and a bit more talking. --I really need to watch my emotional attachment.-- I fell back asleep and woke up around 12:30. I was up and functioning around 1:30 and spent the afternoon attempting to do homework, but really being lost in my own thoughts. I baked some cookies for a pot-luck mid-autumn moon festival thing at 5:30pm. That party was interesting - I ran into a friend/acquaintance who I could write a whole 'nother post about. He somehow brings out a sarcastic and defensive side in me and I hate it. I don't know how he does it or why I act that way around him but I do. But yes, that is for another post or day...

Saturday evening I got back relatively early, about 9:30 or 10ish and just when I got back my roommate had come down to grab some things and demanded that I join her and the guys upstairs if I was going to be studying otherwise. So, I went and joined 'em and hung out, had a drink. I was a bit unsober and on the way back from an alcohol run when my dad called and said "hi, we're in town." So, I told my parents they could pick me up in an hour and I'd spend the night with them. It was a complete surprise, but I sensed something was wrong.

At the hotel, they told me that our dog passed away that afternoon.

[pause]

Now, she'd been in the animal hospital for the past few days, but the medicine was supposed to work after two days. The call should've been to pick her up to come home, not to notify my parents of her passing. My parents said they came to see me (4 hour drive) because they wanted to tell me in person and be there in case I would cry. Good gosh, I'm 21 years old! I really appreciate their concern and love them for caring - but part of me thinks and understands that they didn't want to go home to an empty house knowing that no longer would they see a german-shepard mix jumping up to look out the window after hearing the garage door open. No longer would our beloved four-legged friend be begging for food at the table. No longer would the spirit that had acted as glue for our family for years be around to growl, bark, and snore in her sleep. Gone.

[pause]

Yesterday my parents and I went to church, and they dropped me off at work before leaving. It wasn't until my walk home from work that it hit me - I cried nearly the entire way home. I wasn't able to focus on homework or study for the two exams I have this week. I called my cousin to let him know, and spoke with him for an hour or so. I was just almost asleep after getting off the phone when my current master called. We spoke for a little while and caught up, and it was nice to have that comfort - he told me to get up, that I needed to study and couldn't call asleep (it'd screw up my sleep patterns again). I lingered a few seconds after hanging up and the phone rang again and it was my bf - sounding all sad. He said he saw my away message (of which I put my dog's name and RIP). For some reason that I've yet to figure out, that pissed me off. The more he tried to comfort me, or be there to listen, the more pissed off I was. I wasn't angry, I was pissed off. I almost fell asleep after that, but was too upset and got up. I tried to focus on studying but that didn't happen.

I had rented Party Monster and my roommate (mentioned before) had come back so I asked if she wanted to watch with me. Messed up movie - she left in the middle cause she was meeting up with someone to do laundry. I was stupid and watched the rest of it. I then showered and tried to study, gave up and decided to go to bed. I debated some more in bed, and then found myself calling my training master - no answer. Oh well, I thought.

Today he told me that he had passed out on his couch. He apologized right away for not answering/being there. It was one of the first things he said to me, if it wasn't an offline message (I forget). It's been a rough day, sort of up and down. I really do need to study and will.

I don't understand why I've been so easily upset with my bf lately. I want to break up with him because I think it's what we both need - but I'm not willing to do it. I'm afraid. Also, I haven't seen him in over a year and a half and I think he just bought plane tickets to visit Nov 3rd-5th.

I wish had the strength to pull away from my vanilla relationship and the one with my current master (as I don't think my emotional attachment is good). However, I'm too comfortable in one and the other has become a sort of foundation for me to function daily.

Master:
I guess, I haven't really been looking for you anymore and I don't think I will be looking anytime soon. I won't be actively looking, at least. I guess, with me being/feeling so behind with my coursework, not being able to focus, not feeling/being on top of internship searching stuff, and having a training master to be grounded in (and keep the edge off), I can afford to not look for you.

I hope you're not upset. Although, it's almost sort of silly to say so because by the time you're reading this we'll already have found each other!

But, yea. The loss of my dog is...tough for me. I know it'd be harder if I was at home, returning for Thanksgiving is going to be awkward.