Goin' strong so far.

If, strength can be determined by not giving in to the urge to call either K or TM.

i think this strength has more so to do with the fact i just spent three solid hours of work on my project (which needs to be done fairly soon), and i plan to continue after a dinner break.

Still hope to be in your arms soon, my (future) Husband.

i've often wished what i think/internally feel is best for me.

Exe: That TM and i would transition smoothly out of a training relationship. It hasn't happened quiet smoothly, but we did transition out of it. i still question this move (rightness of it all). Only time will tell.

Exe: Been totally and completely honest and wished that K would take me seriously (as my ex didn't) about not wanting anything long-term or seeing it with him. At least not right now. Last night, he laid it down and said if that was the case [it finally hit him], then we needed to take a break from talking so i'd have time to clear my head.

i don't want this time. i know it's best for me, but i don't want it. i got exactly what i wanted. He came to his senses and realized that i [think i] really need time alone, to stand on my own two feet.

Truly, how am i to be able to serve someone to my fullest if i can't handle myself?

i think i'm designed to fit with someone else.

i can't seem to forget how complete and right and right and natural my time with TM was.

*sigh*

i can't imagine better, but if it's out there...that's what i'm wishing for right now.

Last Thursday night, i half-jokingly invited K up for the weekend. As he put it then, "You should know better than to ask if you don't truly mean it." i did want to see him again, but i also knew it wasn't practical. Nonetheless, i wasn't going to retract my offer, 'cause i did want to see him, i was hoping he'd pull back and err on the side of practicality.

But, of course...

So, he came up. Due to my living situation (and specifically this weekend, but i did not know about til Friday), he agreed to my solution/suggestion to split a stay at Days Inn in town.

i must say, it was THE nicest DAYS INN and not top-notch hotel i've ever stayed in. Oh my gosh, the bed was ridiculously comfortable and the service was great, as well as the room and bathroom and the free hot breakfast! Fabulous. i would love to stay there again (modest priced).

But yea, it was like all our other trips. Vacation from reality. Just the two of us, the rest of the world just sort of existed.

Sat morn we went out with some friends here to a neat farm/place that had apple picking, pumpkin rides/games, and lots of other good stuff. That was nice, still felt surreal.

But yea, lots of play this weekend, again. His giving into my impulsivity and demonstrating his is really showing me, rather, helping me realize that it's really important to me. As in, i need to work on greater self-control, and i value self-control (practicality) in a partner. i also prefer being treated chivalrously in public and a slut in private. CHILVALRY is NOT dead, and is wonderful in public.

i'm at a point where i really don't want to go further into this profession that i'm on the path towards. i'm gonna go through the motions and finish up to get a degree, and network to at least see what oppurtunities/choices i have job-wise at the national conference in Nov. However, i'm thinkin i should start lookin' not just at oppurtunities in this field, but at other jobs i'd be eligible and enjoy...

Hoping to be in your arms, soon.



On a slightly separate note - i'm still eager to hear from TM in any form of communication. i know i'll prob go crazy (or i might not) if i hear his voice. i know i don't need to worry about him, and i'm not really. i'm more...well, wanting to know how he's doing? As a friend? It's hard being completely cut off. i just can't see it as being a "normal" or "friendly" thing to not return phone calls or emails for weeks...it doesn't feel right. i just want to know what's going on. i can't imagine he'd just drop me off cold, so he's got to be super busy, right? i hope so, 'cause if it's a family thing, i would wish even more i could be there with him. And if it's neither...i don't know.

i'm not hanging by a thread, at all. At least, i don't think so. i just like the phrase/think it's lyrics to some song.

Anywho...as evidenced by the timestamp on this post, it's October 4th. My training ended a month minus a day ago. i can't remember any other time in my life since a date has been kept and stayed so close to my heart and my head.

i've been checking my mailbox every day, hoping for the letter that was (is?) supposedly on its way to me from TM.

It's driving me nuts not knowing. Maybe it's selfish that i want the letter. Maybe it's just an excuse to validate my angsty emotions about it all.

There's a full time position that i might apply for out in AZ. That'd be interesting. i probably won't apply for it, but i might. Let's see if i get my act together within the next month.

i'm not trying to be passive, or apathetic, or complacent. BUT...i'm sort of stuck. What is it that i'm striving towards? Why should i move foward, if i don't want to do it for myself?

Funny, K and i talked about that a little last night. We agreed that happiness needs to come from within and can't depend on another person.

i don't want happiness. Happiness is fleeting.

Joy. My joy comes from serving others.

i don't know what people want from me, and i kno i can't serve everyone. Thus, i'm stuck.

Spent weekend with K doing a more full-on BDSM experience thing. Here are some things i learned, off the top of my head:

- i'm not a fan of wax play, though i thought i would be.
- i'd be up for giving wax-play another chance
- i definitely love being bound/restrained
- i love my car
- Indiana isn't so bad after all - its saving grace is the Dunes
- there's a limit to how many/much of a spanking i get to which it just becomes dull/painful to me (and not arousing or engaging at all)
- i still love having my ass fucked
- i'm still definitely a horny cunt
- Having my cunt shaved is okay, but it definitely sucks growing back
- i love the sensation of a collar
- i hate being on my hands/knees for extended periods of time and think it's pretty pointless
- i love my car
- my car has the potential for being a mini-dungeon on wheels (and no one would suspect it because it looks so small)
- i'm still stuck on TM
- i need to move on
- i'm dangerously close to repeating old patterns that didn't get me anywhere (useful)
- i really, really, really, like my car.

That's it for now. i might add more later.

Normally, or in the past, i'd have added details of the weekend, i'm sure. i'm just not up to it, nor do i feel it's of any great significance right now, i guess. Yup.

There it is.

There it went.

Let's see how it goes...