My Dearest Sir, oh my Dearest Master!

i can't seem to strike an image from the past when i use the word "Master" but i assure you, i am address You. i SO badly want to be with You so that i can completely devote myself to you and not be yearning for what's past (unconsciously....it seems).

Lately i've been very doubtful as to whether or not i'll EVER find you. Or if you'll ever find me. Am i doomed? Should i settle? i'm not a quitter....at least, i don't want to be. i'm sure you wouldn't want me to be.

i guess, i still need to learn to appreciate myself more.

It just seems that i have nowhere to apply myself as of late. At least, i have no interest to do so. My only true interest/desire is to make my other half happy and full of joy. To serve him to the best of my abilities. i want to live for him so that i can complete him, and he complete me. i hope that W/we may forever challenge each other to grow.

i guess, my problem is that i don't want to do things for myself. i only want to do them for You. Thus, it's really hard to motivate myself when doubting your existence. i've gained weight since being home...which is SO not cool, since i had dropped ten-fifteen pounds over the last year or so. Gaining it back is NOT cool AT ALL. And yet...that motivation i had is gone. i'm not sure what the motivation was before (it felt good?) but whatever it was it's gone. Or perhaps the motivation is there, but is clouded with this cloud of self doubt and pity.

WHoa. Self pity? Nah, it isn't that. i don't pity myself 'cause i know i can take action. i just...am feeling slothful? That's my problem. i need ot pick up my feet and find a new source of inspiration. Since i don't have You, i must inspire myself.

*sigh*

Words often don't do my thoughts justice.



-me-